new year’s greetings.

January 3, 2023

Time is running out.

Conversational seating to disappear on subways.

Time to shop.

Which owl is the largest owl?

Terrible News!

[NOT SPAM]

Ducks arrive in fantastic feathers.

New Request from your Bookkeeper.

Your holiday shopping, done.

Help us reach our goal.

It’s not too late!

LAST DAY.

Protect Bees!

The Clock is Ticking.

New Charges Posted to Your Account.

You averaged less than one minute of screen time last week.

We Miss You.

Escape to Paradise.

Did you forget something?

Thank you-

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17 Comments

  • Reply Lesley January 3, 2023 at 12:29 pm

    I figure these are the subject lines of your email inbox … and you captured exactly the yank back into the “reality” that marketers would have us inhabit. Aside from checking those new charges posted to your account (phishing?!), I say check the box that reads Delete All. May the calm you hopefully found during solstice stay with you into the new year! Lesley

    2
    • Reply ERIN BOYLE January 3, 2023 at 12:35 pm

      signed, sealed, deleted!

      6
  • Reply Jessica January 3, 2023 at 12:49 pm

    This is very timely, I was just trying to “delete all” of my promotions tab but the powers at be are making it very difficult… Sigh.

    1
    • Reply ERIN BOYLE January 3, 2023 at 12:50 pm

      I hear you! Something important *always* slips in there!

  • Reply Emily January 3, 2023 at 1:02 pm

    Less than one minute! Hats off to you. And this list. My inbox/social media every day, but this captures the hypocritical, yank you back and forth anxiety it elicits.

  • Reply Audrey January 3, 2023 at 1:10 pm

    This has definitely been a season of unsubscribing! It’s so hard with charities/causes I’ve given to though. I want to support when I can, but I find all the emails that follow to be extremely anxiety-inducing.

    4
  • Reply Carey January 3, 2023 at 2:46 pm

    This is a gorgeous found poem. Made me smile and snort chuckle. Thanks, ever happy to read your words. Xo Carey

  • Reply Lauren January 3, 2023 at 2:57 pm

    ✔️✔️✔️

  • Reply Okay January 3, 2023 at 5:55 pm

    Is it bad I compulsively clicked on each line of this poem? Yes. Yes it is. ❤️

    6
  • Reply Claire January 3, 2023 at 6:47 pm

    Ugh, how frustrating it is to receive prompts to buy myriad pairs of shoes, planners, curtains, plane tickets, etc. that I don’t need amidst the rare message from a real, breathing human I know and care about. Years back, in search of a solution, I came across something call Unroll.Me which I’ve found helpful and would recommend. Unroll.Me finds all of the distribution lists my email has found its way onto and allows me to unsubscribe from the list, keep the emails in my inbox, or add the sender to my daily “roll up,” aka one daily email summarizing all newsletters. It’s a nice way to remain on the distribution lists for things I do care about (nonprofits I donate to, for instance), without needing dozens of daily emails weighing me down. It felt like a nice virtual spring cleaning, if anyone is after a similar feeling in the new year!

    • Reply julie January 4, 2023 at 2:31 pm

      It looks like Unroll.me was purchased by a market research company years ago, but if anyone else has a recommendation I’m all ears!

    • Reply Raya January 4, 2023 at 4:12 pm

      The problem with these services is that you have to give them access to your email, which has privacy implications (unroll.me being one of the more problematic examples). Just click “unsubscribe” on the emails, or filter them to a folder, rather than using a third party service.

      2
  • Reply Mackenzie January 4, 2023 at 2:50 pm

    This… 🙂

  • Reply Alyssa January 4, 2023 at 6:34 pm

    Most of these made me anxious, although “Protect Bees!” made me giggle immediately before feeling sad.

  • Reply Erika January 5, 2023 at 8:25 pm

    “Tell Amazon: We can’t next-day ship a new species” 12/23/22

  • Reply Amanda January 6, 2023 at 9:44 am

    Ha! So good.

  • Reply Stephanie January 14, 2023 at 9:12 pm

    This is mesmerizing and fantastic. So literary and also stunning and true. This after your solstice post – your writing is so great! Hope to read more.

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